I knew this day would come & I've dreaded it. How do you look at your children & tell them you killed their big brother?
Once The Lord began pressing on my heart to have our kids involved with our prolife ministry, I knew it was a matter of time before I had to confess my deepest, darkest secret to them. It was hard telling family & friends because deep inside you still fear their judgement & disappointment. I know Christ has forgiven me, healed me, & made me new, & I don't worry any longer about what others think of my past, but I have feared looking into my children's eyes & seeing the hurt & confusion of why their mommy killed her baby.
For the last few years we've taken them to the abortion clinic to pray & told them what abortion was. Very simply we stated that it's when a mommy chooses to have her baby taken from her tummy before it's time & the baby dies. This has always hurt their sweet, sensitive hearts, but it's driven them to pray for an end to abortion even at such tender age. Any time they've had questions we've answered them in the simplest, most appropriate way for their maturity.
God has told me I need to stand outside our local abortion clinic with sign that says, "I regret my abortion." I haven't been able to do that with them around because Brady can read. So yesterday I sat them down & confessed to them. I told them something very bad happened to mommy & I got pregnant & at 18, I was scared, confused, & even though I knew it was wrong, I had an abortion.
Brady told me he was surprised, but he wasn't mad at me. Rylan was excited to learn that he was named after his big brother Joshua. They asked a few questions, "Where would Joshua sleep if be were alive?" "Would you homeschool him or would he go to high school?" It made me giggle & brought me comfort, but I told them we can't focus on the "what ifs" because they can end up making us depressed or angry & doesn't change the past.
Instead we will focus on Christ. He's redeemed mommy & He's called us to speak the truth about abortion & to help others come to know the saving grace of Jesus.
Then Rylan looked right at me & exclaimed, "We will see Joshua in Heaven!" To which Brady responded, "Yes! Because he's safe with God!" I asked them if they forgave me & Brady so gently answered, "I'll always forgive you for anything." And my heart beamed as my tears flowed.
It wasn't nearly as hard as I imagined it would be. I'm glad I told them now rather than waiting til they were teenagers. They know they can always ask me questions & we don't have to keep Joshua a secret. He is real. He exists. He is loved!
Sunday is the 16 year anniversary of my abortion & it's sad & weird to think I would be getting ready to take him to get his driver's license! I will always miss & grieve him. Joshua is as much a part of my life as his 4 siblings are. I don't have to let depression & self hate eat me up, I can cry out to Jesus when missing Joshua hurts too bad & I can hold my head up high & talk about my son & give his life honor. I can do this only because of Jesus & the redeeming Blood He shed for my sins.
If you are struggling from a past abortion, please contact me! I would love to help you!
Ashleysigrest at hotmail dot com