Monday, January 16, 2012

How my abortion has effected my children

I've avoided writing this blog for almost 2 months because it's incredibly hard to admit. Over Thanksgiving my sister & two nephews from TX came to visit us one afternoon. My nephews are 13 & 6 & my boys (6, 3, & 1) adore their cousins! They were able to play together while my sister & I drank coffee & visited. A couple of days after they left, my 6 year old, Brady, asked me how old my nephew Caleb was. I told him 13 & this was his response,

"Wow! 13! That's so cool! I wish I had a big brother that was 13!"

I had no idea how to respond. All I could think about was he DID have an older brother, who would in fact be 13 in a month IF I had not had an abortion. I went to my bathroom & cried. I had never thought how my abortion would effect my future children. I realized that my sister & I would have two sons the same ages. It was a hard hit that I never expected. Thinking about it again makes me cry all over!

Thirteen years ago I made a very bad decision based out of fear & shame from my rape. I did not want to have an abortion, I knew it was wrong, but I was so scared. I made a choice that has never left me. So many people will use girls like me to excuse the abortion because of rape.

Well let me tell you once again, rape is NO EXCUSE for abortion. My abortion has effected me far worse than the rape. I live everyday knowing a piece of me is missing. I praise God for healing me of the shame, guilt, fear, & worthlessness I felt for so many years, but I will always REGRET my abortion, I will always GRIEVE my child.

Every Christmas when shopping for my 3 lil boys I always wonder what Joshua (my son that I aborted) would've liked. When I meet young boys who are the age he would've been I wonder how much like them he would be. What kind of big brother he would be? What would he grow up to become? I will never have an answer for these things, I will always wonder.

I miss him more than words could ever express! I know my boys are missing out by not having him here. I long for the day I can hold him & hug him in Heaven!

I can never undo the choice I made that day as a frightened, young, naive 18 year old girl, but I can live my life honoring Joshua & his memory by sharing my story, fighting to end abortion, striving to have personhood laws passed, helping other post-abortive women find healing in Christ. I have no idea how I will tell my children about their brother Joshua & why he is Heaven, why he was never born. I pray that God alone will guide us through that as a family girded in His truths & His unconditional love!

I pray blessings over you all & no matter what you have done in your life, it is NOT too big for the Cross! I'm grateful everyday that Jesus took my place & died for my sins! Oh how I deserve that pain & death He bore that day! Yet He looked on me with such love that He died in my place! What an amazing, loving, Savior we serve!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Miracles, March for Life, & the Mickey Mouse Club

All Christians believe God does miracles. Sometimes we say things randomly happen, but we know that God works everything out & those random things are orchestrated by Him to bring about a purpose for His divine will. Well do you believe that God used one of my favorite childhood shows, the Mickey Mouse Club, to begin another journey for me?

Well believe it!

During the Yes on 26 Personhood Campaign a lady named Danielle began following me on Twitter. Sunday night she tweeted that a former Mouseketeer was going to be on the singing competition The Voice. (Are you laughing yet?) I immediately replied because I was so in love with this guy in 5th grade :)!! Then a follower of hers replies to us laughing because she was an extra on the MMC. I was immediately intrigued by this so I went to her profile to see who she was.

Kelly Clinger was not only apart of the MMC, but she was also a back up singer for Britney Spears in the past. Her profile stated that she was post abortive & involved with the Silent No More campaign that helps men & women who've had abortions & others who have been affected by abortion. I told her briefly about my prolife stuff & directed her to the video of me at a press conference speaking out on why rape is not an excuse for abortion.

She asked if in fact that was me & was ecstatic that it was!!! She said she had shared the video many times & had hoped, along with others apart of Silent No More, that we would come in contact. How amazing is that!?! God used the MMC to bring us together! I love how He works sometimes! In ways we LEAST expect it!

She invited me to be apart of the March for Life that takes place each year around the anniversary of Roe vs Wade. Thousands of people come each year to take a stand for life & a stand against abortion. Many women & men who've had abortions, paid for abortions, helped someone get an abortion, or are somehow affected by abortion give their testimonies in front of the Supreme Court in Washington DC. I found out about this in 2008 & added it my "bucket list" of things I wanted to do.

Many states hold their own March for Life events & I had decided to do the March for Life in my state. God clearly had other plans. He knew my deep desire to go to Washington DC & fulfill this dream. He birthed in me long ago to take a major stand against abortion, to stand up for life, to bring glory to His truth & His Word, by using my testimony. For months now He has been opening doors for me to share my story & how He has set me free & healed me. I'm currently in the process of writing my own post-abortion Bible study! (prayers!!)

I talked to Kelly yesterday & she told me if I could get to DC to speak, my hotel would FREE, they really wanted me to be apart of this. I told my husband & we both knew that we didn't have the money to pay for a last-minute plane ticket to get me there. I immediately began praying, asking God to make a way, to do a miracle if He wanted me there. I asked all my prayer warriors to join in & pray with me. I had decided though, that if it didn't work out I would be ok, I would just do my local one & save up for next year.

A lady who used to attend my church asked me how someone could send me money to help me go. I gave her my information, not expecting a lot, because let's face it, I was going to need hundreds of dollars & in today's economy I didn't expect anyone to just GIVE me the money. This morning she calls me bright & early & tells me about a lady from her current church that has had an abortion. This lady has never really talked about her abortion because of her young children, but is active in helping prolife efforts. She also saw the video of me back in November & immediately wanted to help me.

Two other families had been praying, asking God to show them where to give some extra money to & when they heard about my need, they immediately believed it was from God & donated their money to help me go to DC!! I have never even met these people! All they know about me is what they saw in a short video pleading for people to not use rape as an excuse for abortion & to see that God is the Creator of life. That one day has COMPLETELY & utterly changed my life forever!!! I am so incredibly humbled by my Savior!!

Faith + Prayer = POWER!!! After I hung up the phone I burst into tears thanking my Lord over & over! I'm tearing up again writing this! He is such a loving Daddy to His children! My flight is booked, I'm working on childcare, & golly gee whiz I'm HEADED TO DC!!!!! I know this trip is going to open so many more doors! I can't even imagine what the Lord is up to, but I trust Him & my answer is "YES LORD!!! SEND ME!! I WILL GO FOR YOU!!!" (Isaiah 6:8)

This humbles me more than I can say. Just this past Sunday at church a lady told me about a state senator who was making statements that he would NEVER allow personhood to pass in our state. Of course this just broke me because I know firsthand how important such a law is! On the way to church that evening Satan had began torturing me. I had a VERY vivid flashback of my rape. I had not had one in many years. He kept taunting me, telling me I was wrong, I wasn't raped, & so forth. That night I couldn't keep it together. I just kept crying my eyes out because I knew the truth, but because I was unconscious for a greater part of it, there is a lot I don't remember. Through my tears I kept praising God & holding on to the truths I have in Him. My husband & I had our pastor pray over us & immediately felt much better. When we got home is when all of the aforementioned stuff came to be. I love how God shows off His love for me! He didn't have to a thing more than He's already done for me & yet He keeps pushing me forward, walking beside me, leading me down new paths for His purpose.

Please continue to pray for me & my family & for all those traveling to DC for this event. We know that anytime we move forward for Christ, Satan will be right behind us ready to attack us & break us down. Thank you for being a part of this journey with me! The support & prayer from friends & strangers has kept me going during these last months & continues to help me forge ahead!

Blessings to you all & I can't wait to come back & tell you ALL about it!!