Tuesday, July 21, 2009

revisiting my past

I am going to be as honest as I can...my life has been hard! I had a stinky childhood & adolescence & the majority of my college/adult years has been trying to overcome it & be healed and strengthen and right now I just feel BLAH!

It isnt easy going back and recounting the hurt and pain I have felt and being honest with myself about it and how it has effected me as an adult. I have downplayed how bad my life has been, because I know unfortunately some have it worse & I also like to pretend that I am strong and will survive...but that's me being prideful. The truth is I am not that strong and I still have a long way to go with my healing.

I really want to be angry & let those involved know just how angry I am and what they did was wrong and the pain and heartache it has caused me over the years. I want to walk away be done...but I cant. God has placed inside me a huge heart and no matter how bad I am treated or how hurt I get I still love those people and I still want them to be better than they are. Yet somehow I continuously get hurt & seem to be the one who lives with it everyday all the while the others never seem to have a second thought as to what they did to me...and it's probably because I keep forgiving them & letting them back in.

I want to see the world through the eyes of Christ and I want to love the world as Christ does and be compassionate...but it is hurting me and because I am not God I dont know how to really deal with it. I feel completely torn by the Christian side of me who wants to continue loving and forgiving & the human side that is mad & hurt & torn & wants to walk away and never look back.

I have realized my issues are far deeper than I ever really admitted or cared to notice. I am scared that if I cant get the proper counseling or advice on how to deal with this I am going to be unhappy & turn in to someone I dont like and become a bad influence on my children. I ask that if you are reading this that you lift me up in prayer daily so that Jesus will be the only voice I hear & the only one I follow.

I have always been a loner because I was taught by my family & friends at an early age that I could never fully depend on them & in the end when I really needed support & love, they wouldnt be there the way I needed them to be. Now as a Christian adult I have some really good friends & family that do support me & love me, and yet I find myself still feeling lonely from time to time. I often wonder if i push people away, if there's something in me that makes people not want to be around me, or if I myself am turning my back on them.??? I honestly dont know the answer. Maybe a little bit of all.

God is really working on me right now & am eagerly seeking Him on the kind of person He wants me to be. This isnt easy...in fact it's downright HARD!!! I feel weak and vulnerable and scared that satan is going to sneak in and pull me away without me noticing.

I am doing an intense Bible Study to help me with some of the issues I have & am seeking full and complete healing so in turn I can help others who have walked a similar path . The worst feeling in the world is to feel alone and believe that I dont really matter in the end. I know Christ is on my side, and if it were me alone that He had to sacrifice Himself for...He still would have done it...He is an AMAZING GOD!

And more than anything else...I dont want to displease Him! I want Him to use me for His glory & when He is done with me, to take me to be with Him! But my path isnt easy and I have to be SURE I stay on it & not try to runaway when things get tough. For I know I am truly blessed & highly favored by God!