I knew this day would come & I've dreaded it. How do you look at your children & tell them you killed their big brother?
Once The Lord began pressing on my heart to have our kids involved with our prolife ministry, I knew it was a matter of time before I had to confess my deepest, darkest secret to them. It was hard telling family & friends because deep inside you still fear their judgement & disappointment. I know Christ has forgiven me, healed me, & made me new, & I don't worry any longer about what others think of my past, but I have feared looking into my children's eyes & seeing the hurt & confusion of why their mommy killed her baby.
For the last few years we've taken them to the abortion clinic to pray & told them what abortion was. Very simply we stated that it's when a mommy chooses to have her baby taken from her tummy before it's time & the baby dies. This has always hurt their sweet, sensitive hearts, but it's driven them to pray for an end to abortion even at such tender age. Any time they've had questions we've answered them in the simplest, most appropriate way for their maturity.
God has told me I need to stand outside our local abortion clinic with sign that says, "I regret my abortion." I haven't been able to do that with them around because Brady can read. So yesterday I sat them down & confessed to them. I told them something very bad happened to mommy & I got pregnant & at 18, I was scared, confused, & even though I knew it was wrong, I had an abortion.
Brady told me he was surprised, but he wasn't mad at me. Rylan was excited to learn that he was named after his big brother Joshua. They asked a few questions, "Where would Joshua sleep if be were alive?" "Would you homeschool him or would he go to high school?" It made me giggle & brought me comfort, but I told them we can't focus on the "what ifs" because they can end up making us depressed or angry & doesn't change the past.
Instead we will focus on Christ. He's redeemed mommy & He's called us to speak the truth about abortion & to help others come to know the saving grace of Jesus.
Then Rylan looked right at me & exclaimed, "We will see Joshua in Heaven!" To which Brady responded, "Yes! Because he's safe with God!" I asked them if they forgave me & Brady so gently answered, "I'll always forgive you for anything." And my heart beamed as my tears flowed.
It wasn't nearly as hard as I imagined it would be. I'm glad I told them now rather than waiting til they were teenagers. They know they can always ask me questions & we don't have to keep Joshua a secret. He is real. He exists. He is loved!
Sunday is the 16 year anniversary of my abortion & it's sad & weird to think I would be getting ready to take him to get his driver's license! I will always miss & grieve him. Joshua is as much a part of my life as his 4 siblings are. I don't have to let depression & self hate eat me up, I can cry out to Jesus when missing Joshua hurts too bad & I can hold my head up high & talk about my son & give his life honor. I can do this only because of Jesus & the redeeming Blood He shed for my sins.
If you are struggling from a past abortion, please contact me! I would love to help you!
Ashleysigrest at hotmail dot com
Blessings!
8 comments:
Wow, thank you for sharing your story. I am in tears after reading thinking about how Christ has woven your family's life with forgiveness - right down to your littlest.
I pray your story helps many other moms reconsider abortions.
God bless you,
Jennifer F.
Crying my eyes out! Love you!
Thank you for sharing. I wish I can voice my experience as eloquently as you have,
Beautiful- and God bless you for going to the clinic. I know it's not popular for Christians approve of doing that because some would say that it makes us look judgmental and hateful, but you are literally standing in the door way of death as a last warning not to go forth so, thank you. Here's hoping your efforts will help stop another from having to have the talk you had to have. God is rich in forgiveness and he gives us these sweet little blessings that come hard wired to love mommy no matter what! Thanks for linking up on A Group Look Linky!
Hugs and prayers from a post abortive daughter/sibling! Thank you for sharing your story. I am so happy for all of you that Joshua's name can be mentioned freely, etc Being able to mention my brother Joey, has also been so freeing for all of us!
Special prayers ascending for you on Sunday! Hugs! <3 We know the pain of anniversaries, but I pray you have more peace and joy than expected. May you feel Joshua's presence in a special way. We are having a vigil for all babies lost in pregnancy and infancy and will add him to it.
God bless you all abundantly!
You are such a blessing sweet friend. Thank you for sharing your story!
When it's right God will give you the right words. He will speak through you. He has recently helped me with speaking and telling my story. I never could have spoken as I did without Him beside me and the Holy Spirit inside. I don't know if you have shared your story yet since this comment was kast year but I pray for you anyway that everytime you do speak or share that He will speak through you. With God's great love
Belinda
Touching story..tears fell
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