Monday, January 16, 2012

How my abortion has effected my children

I've avoided writing this blog for almost 2 months because it's incredibly hard to admit. Over Thanksgiving my sister & two nephews from TX came to visit us one afternoon. My nephews are 13 & 6 & my boys (6, 3, & 1) adore their cousins! They were able to play together while my sister & I drank coffee & visited. A couple of days after they left, my 6 year old, Brady, asked me how old my nephew Caleb was. I told him 13 & this was his response,

"Wow! 13! That's so cool! I wish I had a big brother that was 13!"

I had no idea how to respond. All I could think about was he DID have an older brother, who would in fact be 13 in a month IF I had not had an abortion. I went to my bathroom & cried. I had never thought how my abortion would effect my future children. I realized that my sister & I would have two sons the same ages. It was a hard hit that I never expected. Thinking about it again makes me cry all over!

Thirteen years ago I made a very bad decision based out of fear & shame from my rape. I did not want to have an abortion, I knew it was wrong, but I was so scared. I made a choice that has never left me. So many people will use girls like me to excuse the abortion because of rape.

Well let me tell you once again, rape is NO EXCUSE for abortion. My abortion has effected me far worse than the rape. I live everyday knowing a piece of me is missing. I praise God for healing me of the shame, guilt, fear, & worthlessness I felt for so many years, but I will always REGRET my abortion, I will always GRIEVE my child.

Every Christmas when shopping for my 3 lil boys I always wonder what Joshua (my son that I aborted) would've liked. When I meet young boys who are the age he would've been I wonder how much like them he would be. What kind of big brother he would be? What would he grow up to become? I will never have an answer for these things, I will always wonder.

I miss him more than words could ever express! I know my boys are missing out by not having him here. I long for the day I can hold him & hug him in Heaven!

I can never undo the choice I made that day as a frightened, young, naive 18 year old girl, but I can live my life honoring Joshua & his memory by sharing my story, fighting to end abortion, striving to have personhood laws passed, helping other post-abortive women find healing in Christ. I have no idea how I will tell my children about their brother Joshua & why he is Heaven, why he was never born. I pray that God alone will guide us through that as a family girded in His truths & His unconditional love!

I pray blessings over you all & no matter what you have done in your life, it is NOT too big for the Cross! I'm grateful everyday that Jesus took my place & died for my sins! Oh how I deserve that pain & death He bore that day! Yet He looked on me with such love that He died in my place! What an amazing, loving, Savior we serve!

4 comments:

Amy said...

Just clicked over here from Twitter and read this. It is stories like yours that make me stay in this fight. I bet your Joshua is great friends with two I have lost through miscarriage (Sarah and Samuel) and I can't wait till we get to meet them all!

Colleen said...

Your story moved my heart. God bless you and your family.

Mrs A said...

(((Momma Ash))) God will use you as a rock for others! May God richly bless you and keep you and give you peace. Thank you for sharing and know I'm sending a cyber hug your way!!!

mrs a
http://proverbs31jewels.org following from blogfest :)

judyblunt said...

Ashley, I know some of your pain. I conceived during rape and still suffer the pains of abortion. I cannot have children, now. In that way you are very blessed.

Amy, my twins names are Sarah and Samuel. I just know they have met in Jesus' home.