Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Pregnant Without a Baby

About a month ago the Lord opened a door for me to lead women through a healing journey dealing with miscarriage. I myself have not "technically" had a miscarriage where a baby's life was lost. In November 2006 I took a pregnancy test & found out I was pregnant. My husband & I were overjoyed! I had a blood test & another urine test done at my 1st doctors appointment & both were positive, but it was too early to hear the heartbeat, so we would have to wait til my next appointment at 13 weeks.

This was my 3rd pregnancy (1st was by rape in which I had an abortion, 2nd my son Brady) & my husband & I had already agreed on names & were planning away never for once thinking something wouldn't be right. Two days after Christmas we went in to hear the heartbeat & my doctor was unable to find it with the Doppler. So I went to the sonographer's office to do a vaginal ultrasound, but I soon realized something was wrong. She kept moving it around as my husband, son, & I watched on the TV screen on the wall. I saw something & asked if that was the baby, her response was no, it was my ovary. She continued to look around, "Is that my baby?" I asked again, "No that's the placenta." I began to get a bit worried knowing deep inside something wasn't right.

"Is that my baby?" I asked once more in complete desperation begging her to say yes, but once again she said no. She then left the room with pictures in hand & came back with my doctor. They continued the sonogram & I remember looking at my husband who was holding Brady & looking worried. Then my doctor spoke up & said it seemed as if I had a missed-abortion & there wasn't a baby in my womb. I began weeping uncontrollably at the words "missed-abortion" & thought to myself, I didn't miss my abortion I was there all those years ago, what is she talking about.

Seeing how broken I was she told me to get dressed & meet her in her office. I remember breaking down in the bathroom, unable to dress myself. I felt so guilty. I felt like because I had an abortion before, I had caused my husband this pain, it was all my fault. He came in to console me & I couldn't do anything but cry & apologize. He comforted me & kept reminding me it wasn't my fault.

When we finally made it to the doctor's office she showed me the pics from the ultrasound which showed I had everything a pregnant woman had except a baby. How could this be? How does your body get pregnant without actually having a baby inside? I felt betrayed by my body. With my other 2 pregnancies I experienced horrible nausea, hyperemesis, but this time, though I felt nauseated it wasn't that bad, I didn't throw up as much, but I still had some morning sickness. I hadn't experienced any cramping or bleeding like a miscarriage would cause. My breasts were swollen, my taste buds had changed, I was pregnant, but as it turned out, pregnant without a baby.

My doctor told me the closest medical term was missed-abortion, but she had never heard of anyone staying pregnant 13 weeks without a baby or without any bleeding or indication that there was a baby. We would have to do a D & C to remove the sac & placenta the next day. I was beyond sad. Beyond devastated.

I didn't sleep at all that night. I laid in Brady's toddler bed (he had gone to Brad's mom's) & I wept. I took a bath & wept. I went outside & looked at the stars & I wept some more. I was undone. I felt like I deserved this because of my abortion, but my husband & child did not. I still couldn't wrap my mind around how my body could betray me. No baby yet 3 positive pregnancy tests & normal pregnancy symptoms. My husband awoke & we went for the D & C & thankfully they put me to sleep for it. I came home & slept all day & anytime I woke up I would write in a journal. I kept looking at the space beside me in the bed thinking a baby should be there, but there wasn't one, never was.

The days that followed were rough. The bleeding was excessive & I kept cramping uncontrollably & it was so bad at times I couldn't even stand. I called my doctor to explain what was happening & went back in for an ultrasound. It was clear, everything had been removed & looked fine. But when I got into the elevator I felt something pass & it was now out of me. I ran back straight to her office to her. It turned out to be a piece of the placenta that was missed & never showed up on the ultrasound, but it was causing me to have contractions to remove it. My sweet doctor kept apologizing for missing it, but I watched the ultrasound & nothing was there. I'm not sure how it was missed. I went back home & began to move forward.

When I prayed to God to help me deal with this pain, to help me understand He kept assuring me not grieve a baby, because there wasn't one, but it was ok to grieve the loss of the pregnancy. In time I finally understood this was a gift. I was in denial about my first pregnancy for so long & hated the thought of being pregnant by rape. And though I grieved the baby I aborted, I took for granted the pregnancy itself & never acknowledged it. Through this I was able to let out all those emotions & finally grieve. Pregnancy is a true miracle of God. Doctors can put sperm & egg together in a petri dish, but only God can make it sustain & live in a mother's womb. He alone is the giver of LIFE!

Since then I have had 2 more pregnancies that did produce babies, my precious 4 year old Rylan & my 19 month old Keller. So last night as I was preparing & researching about the various types of miscarriage I came across missed-abortions & read all the descriptions I could find. Then I was overcome with panic. What if there was a baby & my doctor was wrong?! What if I never grieved that baby or honored it?! Did I have another baby in Heaven?! I began frantically searching & reading the Internet searching for a clue to give me closure. As I told my husband why I was so consumed in the computer he said, "Ashley you know that's not true." And it clicked.

Stupid stupid Satan had gotten in to knock me off focusing on a ministry the Lord had called me to begin at my church. Satan was trying to confuse me & distract me so I couldn't complete what God had set before me. I immediately just shut the laptop & told Satan where he could go. I reminded Satan that God had already confirmed years ago that there was no baby, that I only had one child in Heaven & I believed in Him alone!

I'm so thankful for God's confirmations, His promises, His faithfulness!!! I don't have to listen to Satan & all the "what ifs" that come my way. I can rest assured in the truth of Scripture & the hope I have in Jesus Christ.


Debbie von Meding said...

I've so enjoyed reading your blogs tonight. I'm truly inspired by your tireless work & wonderful example in doing all things through Christ who strengthens you! Though you feel weak and hurt, Christ is shining through you - plain to see. What treasures we have in our husbands also, mine can always be relied upon to tell me the truth too. Xx

belinda Jones said...

Oh wow! I never knew this! How amazing is He that He have you that experience so you could grieve and heal! It hurts my heart that you went thru it but the end result is awesome because of God!