Monday, August 23, 2010

Fading Friendships

So for many many months I have had some struggles with some friendships. I cant say it's anyone's fault, just the way it is. This time last year if you wouldve asked I would have told I had 3 best friends. Each a Godly woman, each different, but yet so incredibly special to me in a different way. Since 2010 has began each of these friendships has pretty much fizzled for different reasons, some I cant even say why because I dont know why. Not that Im by any means enemies with them, just that there isnt much of a relationship at all anymore. Things are always kind and nice, but the relationship has definitely changed.

Ive cried out to God many many many times concerning these friendships plus some others that have faded away for one reason or another. I want to know WHY? WHAT HAPPENED? DID I DO SOMETHING? But God has only told me to not worry or be anxious about them. That He is here.

Of course He is absolutely ALL I need. If everyone, friends, family, my kids, husband etc were to leave me I would be ok. He is ALL I need. And I have to hold on to that.

He's giving me small answers and has shown me different things about these relationships and even more things about myself. Some I like; some I DO NOT :) It's never easy to have my bad stuff about pointed out! But my fervent prayer since February is that He will continue to grow me & change me because my ultimate goal in life is to be more like Him. So maybe the fading of these friendships is apart of it???

In high school I had 3 girl friends and the rest were guys. Guys are much more simpler and less catty. Plus MANY girls in school were very mean to me and did some very hateful things to me, ex pour coke in my back pack, steal books out of my locker, put gross things in my locker, spread awful and VERY hurtful rumors about me and so on. This plus a bad relationship with my mom taught me that females CANNOT be trusted. They may act like your friend but eventually they will just hurt you.

God really worked on me about these issues. I finally had my 1st girl best friend when I was 20, but give her 3 years and a bad boyfriend and she was a completely different person. This pushed me further away from wanting any close female relationships. When I rededicated my life to Christ I was too fearful of telling anyone about my past because I was sure they would hate me and yet that drove a bigger wedge between me and friendships with girls.

Slowly and surely God brought some awesome Christian ladies into my life that I was able to open up to and trust. This wall I had built up against women was surely beginning to fall. That college bff called me out of the blue a few years ago and apologized and completely opened up about the things she had been going through. God has truly mended that relationship and we try to see each other once a year, but we are always a text or call away to check in with and pray for :)

One of those best friends I had a year ago recently sent me a letter of apology and gratitude for something we went through in January. Things had been ok between us because both us being Christian women we knew we couldnt harbor bad feelings against each other, we had to let go and forgive and move on. I had been praying and praying for this friend. That God would just some how help me to let go entirely of everything, because the Bible says we wrestle against spirits and evil forces, NOT against flesh and blood.

As I was cleaning the kitchen one day she was HEAVILY on my heart and as I cleaned I just kept praying for her, for myself, for our relationship. I took a break to check the mail and there was her letter. I just sat down and cried tears of PURE joy! Her letter was everything I had been praying for! God heard my cries and healed me and this relationship. Slowly she and I are talking more and though our friendship wont ever be the same, I know without one doubt it will be MUCH better than before, because I know Christ has grown each of us in the last 8 months in many areas and this rift has brought about some things in myself that I didnt want to see, but needed to be convicted of. So it was all worth it!

Now the other relationships have changed not because of any rift, no argument or disagreement, at least that Im aware of, and to be honest that bugs me the most! It's easier if you can pinpoint a reason, but here again, I truly believe this is God teaching me a lesson and wanting me to draw closer to Him through this loneliness.

And that's right I have been LONELY! I miss having a gal pal that I can call up and vent to, chat with about whatever or just simply sit and have coffee with and talk about nothing in particular. I had finally learned to love and enjoy having female friends and now it's different. I have friends who invite us over for playdates or coffee but the relationships arent like the others were, like family. But maybe that will also change in time. I really hope they do.

Im not all sure what God is trying to do with me in all of this or with these other ladies, but I trust Him and I know He works everything together for the good of those who love Him. And I dont doubt that any of these ladies love Him!

I can put myself out there over and over but as I was recently remind by a Tweet Rev. Run from Run DMC said (yep that's right :) ) He said stop holding on to people who dont want to be held. If someone has a reason to not want to be your friend there's not a thing you can do to change it. And it doesnt do any good to be mad or to keep trying. You just have to let go until they decide they want you in their life again or if at all.

That seems so harsh to me, but I know if I dont just let go and fully give it over to God nothing good will happen. I have to trust Him and His plan for me and these relationships. And I cant put walls back up against future female relationships because it will hinder my walk with Him and I could end up missing out on some other amazing ladies to call friend.

So only time and patience will tell and I SINCERELY look forward to the day I can update this subject with many great things and answered prayers! :)

So if youre reading this and you have a best friend give a call, invite them out for coffee and dinner and most of all, thank God for them!


mom-e-mae said...

Can I be your friend? BTW, have you picked a baby name yet?

mom-e-mae said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ashley LS said...

I love you Regina! ANd you are my friend! :) You and your crew can come on over to my house any ol day!

We have picked a name...Keller :) meaning lil champion