Interview on Teleios

Last week, the awesome Matt Friedeman had the kids & I over for lunch & during that time he also interviewed me for his Teleios podcast. It's about 40 minutes long, but you can listen while you clean ;P 

Hope you are blessed by it!

http://www.teleiospress.com/teleios-this-week-podcast

Mommy Had An Abortion

I knew this day would come & I've dreaded it. How do you look at your children & tell them you killed their big brother? 

Once The Lord began pressing on my heart to have our kids involved with our prolife ministry, I knew it was a matter of time before I had to confess my deepest, darkest secret to them. It was hard telling family & friends because deep inside you still fear their judgement & disappointment. I know Christ has forgiven me, healed me, & made me new, & I don't worry any longer about what others think of my past, but I have feared looking into my children's eyes & seeing the hurt & confusion of why their mommy killed her baby.

For the last few years we've taken them to the abortion clinic to pray & told them what abortion was. Very simply we stated that it's when a mommy chooses to have her baby taken from her tummy before it's time & the baby dies. This has always hurt their sweet, sensitive hearts, but it's driven them to pray for an end to abortion even at such tender age. Any time they've had questions we've answered them in the simplest, most appropriate way for their maturity. 

God has told me I need to stand outside our local abortion clinic with sign that says, "I regret my abortion." I haven't been able to do that with them around because Brady can read. So yesterday I sat them down & confessed to them. I told them something very bad happened to mommy & I got pregnant & at 18, I was scared, confused, & even though I knew it was wrong, I had an abortion.

Brady told me he was surprised, but he wasn't mad at me. Rylan was excited to learn that he was named after his big brother Joshua. They asked a few questions, "Where would Joshua sleep if be were alive?" "Would you homeschool him or would he go to high school?" It made me giggle & brought me comfort, but I told them we can't focus on the "what ifs" because they can end up making us depressed or angry & doesn't change the past.

Instead we will focus on Christ. He's redeemed mommy & He's called us to speak the truth about abortion & to help others come to know the saving grace of Jesus.

Then Rylan looked right at me & exclaimed, "We will see Joshua in Heaven!" To which Brady responded, "Yes! Because he's safe with God!" I asked them if they forgave me & Brady so gently answered, "I'll always forgive you for anything." And my heart beamed as my tears flowed.

It wasn't nearly as hard as I imagined it would be. I'm glad I told them now rather than waiting til they were teenagers. They know they can always ask me questions & we don't have to keep Joshua a secret. He is real. He exists. He is loved!

Sunday is the 16 year anniversary of my abortion & it's sad & weird to think I would be getting ready to take him to get his driver's license! I will always miss & grieve him. Joshua is as much a part of my life as his 4 siblings are. I don't have to let depression & self hate eat me up, I can cry out to Jesus when missing Joshua hurts too bad & I can hold my head up high & talk about my son & give his life honor. I can do this only because of Jesus & the redeeming Blood He shed for my sins.

If you are struggling from a past abortion, please contact me! I would love to help you! 

Ashleysigrest at hotmail dot com

Blessings!

Testimonies of Rape/Incest Conception

Below are links with many testimonies from women who conceived by rape & incest, testimonies from people who were conceived by rape & incest, testimonies from parents who were told to abort because of a disability...and much more. Please take the time to watch them & share them.

If you click on the first link, you can scroll down & see my full testimony. I look pretty rough! ;P It was filmed about 2 weeks before I had Chapel & the Mississppi heat was KILLER!!! 

http://conceivedinrape.com/

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6RPKQF3x2OM&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D6RPKQF3x2OM

Many blessings to y'all!

2012 Year End Review

I'm usually pretty good about doing before the year is over, but with the year 2012 was I'm sure you understand!

January began a very busy year for me! I was able to scratch off the #2 thing on my bucket list by marching in the March for LIFE & sharing my testimony in front of a massive crowd outside the National Supreme Court with the group Silent No More. I've yet to openly talk about that trip, but I'm going back this year so maybe I'll do it then! Some of the highlights were meeting prolife heroes Alveda King, Mike Huckabee, Rebecca Kiessling, Kelly Clinger, Georgette Forney, Julia Holcomb, & Father Frank Pavone.
 

In February I became a certified to lead the post abortive Bible Study Surrendering the Secret & had a great chance to meet the Author Pat Layton & many other post abortive women & men. I was also asked to speak at the Spring Kick-Off of the 40 Days for LIFE Campaign in Jackson. I also began do a lot of press conferences for personhood & prolife groups. It was insanely busy, but God kept opening doors & I made a promise to Him that I would boldly step through any door He opened before me! That my friends is NOT always easy or fun! But each time we choose to follow Him & get out of our comfort zone we grow so much stronger in Him! It's definitely worth it!

March was definitely more restful & I just got to enjoy being wife & momma! My sweet Brady turned 7 & continued to lose more teeth! One random moment in March I was able to meet Newt Gingrich who made a stop in MS while in the running for the Republican bid for President. I must say he was very funny & I think he has good ideas that could help America, though I was personally hoping Santorum would win. I was asked to share my testimony at the ProLife Mississippi Spring banquet. It was quite an honor! I had attend a few times before anyone knew about my abortion & I remember thinking during those times if I would ever be able to open up & share my story. No matter how many times I tell it, it's always hard. I know though God has a purpose each time to show others His redemptive healing, His love, & His mercy. I am nothing more than a willing vessel.

April brought another amazing opportunity my way. I traveled to Dallas with a group of post abortive women to attend the Esther Call hosted by Lou Engle. It was time devoted to prayer & fasting to end abortion. Roe v Wade began in Dallas, TX so the mass of those who were there (mostly post abortive women) prayed in front of the Dallas Courthouse where the first papers were filed to legalize abortion. We prayed for specific groups of people his hard by abortion-African Americans, Hispanics, we prayed for an adoption movement to sweep through the Church, we prayed for an end to sex trafficking & so forth. Plus we worshiped God a lot! It was an incredible time & His presence was so thick! While I was there I met & befriended actress Shari Rigby of October Baby. But the most personal healing part of this trip were these shoes. A group has thousands of baby shoes for post abortive men & women to pick out for the child or children they aborted, something we gave up when we chose to abort. They have you write a note to your child & they travel all across America displaying the shoes to give a visual reminder of how many children have been killed & how many women & men have been hurt by abortion. I cannot even begin to tell you how much picking out those shoes & writing that note meant to me! The tears shed over those tiny shoes gave me so much more healing than I could've ever imagined!

In May we took a much needed break from homeschooling, but it was overshadowed by sharing sick germs! Thankfully we got over it in time to celebrate Rylan's 4th birthday!! This month I wrapped my first session of Surrendering the Secret at my church where I got to witness two more women move into freedom from their past abortions. One of those ladies is now helping to lead the class! I'm telling you God never ceases to amaze me with His power to heal! 

In June My family participated in the first annual Walk 4 LIFE in Jackson. It means SO much to me to have a husband that supports me & stands with me! Being open about abortion & fighting it is hard emotionally, spiritually, & mentally! My precious husband is always by my side, has my back & defends my honor when people say ugly things about me. He's a prince! And I must mention that having my sweet blessings with me thrills my heart! They are definitely warriors in training!

July was pretty rough starting out. That day at the abortion clinic will go down as one of the hardest spiritual battles I've EVER fought. You'll have to go back & read about it! This month was also a time of joy when my niece Britany got engaged. I wish her & her future hubby tons of happiness! The boys & I got right back into homeschooling because let's face it, the heat in MS is unbearable! We didn't want to be outside! So back to school we went!

August brought a lot of fun & more spiritual growth! I was able to get away with a big group of ladies from my church & spend the weekend in Knoxville, TN & attend a Beth Moore conference! I would LOVE to sit & just learn from that lady! She is very wise & studies the Bible with incredible passion & diligence! The conference was amazing, but on the ride home the Lord showed out! I can't even begin to described what happened, but to anyone who thinks the gifts of the Spirit no longer exist are completely missing out! The following weekend my dear Mr & I attended Kirk Cameron's A Love Worth Fighting For. I HIGHLY recommend this for EVERY married couple!

We took a time out in September & went on vacation in Gulf Shores, AL. It was so nice to get away & just enjoy being with our little family. Some friends went along with us & while we were in AL we were able to visit some old friends as well & sight see & simply just take our time & slow down! Which I didn't realize how much I even needed at that point! By October I was fighting a spiritual battle that I didn't even notice at the time. I had become so overwhelmed with anxiety about the future, should I continue in the prolife/personhood battle, should I just step back from all ministry for a while, I tell you I was overwhelmed and greatly burdened. But the Lord reminded me that even though He has called me into this ministry the burden of it was never suppose to overwhelm me, because His burdened is light. I had picked up more than my share & I had to lay it down at His feet. 

By the end of the month we got a lil surprise in the form of a positive pregnancy test! A year ago when Brad & I were praying about having more kids, God clearly told us October 2012. But because of so many things going on that month we didn't even try. In fact, Brad was very sick during my fertile days so there was no sharing of love if you catch my drift :) After visiting a friend who convinced to just take a test to see, after God said October, I took one. Though my point in taking it was to prove I wasn't pregnant, but low & behold I was! What a way to end that month!!!

November needless to say started out great! We celebrated Keller's 2nd birthday though very few knew at the time I was endanger of miscarrying. I had began bleeding & the baby's heartbeat was very low. Thankfully the Lord has given me some amazing friends who were praying hard us & we all believed everything would be fine because...GOD SAID OCTOBER! And of course all was well! Baby's heart rate went up & morning sickness hit right before Thanksgiving. Unfortunately hypermemsis rared it's ugly head & was horribly sick for a long time. If it wasn't for my amazing kids, a fabulous husband & incredible friends I would have gone insane! After much prayer the Lord answered once again & it got much better & was able to fully enjoy Christmas & we even made a trip to TX to visit family. 2012 was a roller coaster, fast, powerful, full of loops, twists & turns, but by the end I was right where God wanted me & I can't wait to see what all 2013 brings!

My Esther Moment

"...And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" Esther 4:14b

One year ago I had an enormously defining moment in my life. October 31, 2011 started out like any other day...I got up I fed my kids, we did our homeschool, I prepared things for a get-together we had that night, all was pretty normal. Around noon I received a phone call from the Yes on 26 Personhood Campaign asking if I could come to a press conference at the state Capitol. I would not be speaking, but they wanted me there for possible interviews afterward.

Only when I hung up the phone God told me I would be speaking...& the butterflies began to swirl!

You see, it had only been about four days since I had completely opened up to all my family about my rape & past abortion. For years I kept that a tight closed secret from them and many others, but in the summer of 2009 through a post-abortive Bible study called Surrendering the Secret, the Lord COMPLETELY healed me of the shame, guilt, fear, & worthlessness I carried because of my abortion. He had told me way back in my darkest of times when all I wanted to do was give up & even attempted suicide, that He was going to use me & my story all over. It would be His & He would use it to help others. I never understood what God was telling me until last year.

Last fall the buzz was thick all around Mississippi about the upcoming Personhood Amendment on the ballot. I knew I needed to come out with my story, but because my family & my husband's family didn't know about my rape & abortion I was scared. My church already knew because I had been able to share my testimony a couple times, but having it out in the open was still nerve racking. I felt no shame, but I knew our families might, they could be angry, & completely shut me out. My mom was the only family who knew at the time, I had opened up to her about 2 years after I did it, but she begged me never to tell anyone, that it would just hurt others to know. So I carried it with me for 13 years only sharing with specific people.

However, on Thursday, October 27, 2011 the Holy Spirit spoke very clearly to me to let it all go & write it on my blog. As soon as I was done I sat down feeling free, amazed at how just typing it for whomever to read lifted a burden off of me & I couldn't stop smiling. Then as I was relishing it all I saw a commercial by those opposed to personhood with a woman talking about how we should vote NO because she was raped & alluded that she conceived & abortion was the best thing for her. I could hear Satan laughing at me, mocking me. So I looked up the number & called the YES on 26 Campaign & told them I would speak out & share my story too. Turns out that lady NEVER conceived by rape & NEVER had an abortion! ALL lies to deceive people into voting NO.

The next day I was interviewed by local news & my husband & I shared the truth with our families. I think hearing my dad's heartbreak was the absolute hardest. But he needed to know the truth like everyone else. I was raped, I conceived, & I had an abortion & DEEPLY regretted it! Rape is NO excuse for abortion! People everywhere use the exceptions clause to justify abortion & it made me want to puke every time I heard it because none of them seemed to understand that the abortion left me more scarred than the rape.

So on Monday, October 31, I got to the Capitol, the press conference went great with all of the speakers, then the media & crowd was able to ask questions. They were hounding hard & a precious retired OBGYN that used to perform abortions before coming to Christ got up to answer some medical questions. Then an angry mob of people screamed out, "What about cases of rape? Shouldn't a woman be able to have an abortion if she has been raped?"

Dr. McMillan was trying her best to answer this question, but not having gone through it she was struggling. I was standing to the side jerking wanting so bad to go up there, but completely terrified at the same time, when very clearly like a peaceful thunder I heard God say, "MOVE!"

And this is what happened.

I'm still in awe of what the Lord did that day! What all He's done & allowed me to do this last year. Personhood is far from over, just as God Almighty is far from over in working in me! Praise His Holy Name!!

My thoughts on Akin

Many people know I have been raped & conceived  a child because of it & had that child aborted. Representative Todd Akin recently tried to speak out about his thoughts on abortion & when talking about abortion & rape he used the term "legitimate rape." Everyone is in an uproar over it. Yes his comment was dumb, he has been mislead, all rape is legitimate, that's what separates it from consenting sex. He tried to use a study that says women in rape can keep themselves from getting pregnant, but let's face it, no woman wants to get pregnant from rape.

So what are my thoughts?

He was wrong. He apologized. Let's all learn a big lesson & move on. Forgiveness.

With it being an election year there is so much more we should focus on, like having the most pro-abortion president voted out of office. Let's keep focus on November!

Here are some links to some of my testimonies & why rape should never be an excuse for abortion!!

Much love & many blessings,

Ash

http://www.onenewsnow.com/Culture/Default.aspx?id=1469894

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1zzmfWYHPQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Unspeakable Joy, Everlasting Peace-my day at the abortion clinic

I could not have fathomed how Monday July 2 was going to go for me. A few months earlier Mississippi passed a law requiring any doctor performing abortions at the only clinic left in our state had to be a board-certified, licensed OB-GYN & have admitting privileges at a local hospital. The two doctors that had been performing abortions are from Alabama, at a clinic owned by the same lady, Diane Derzis, who owns the Jackson clinic. It had just recently been closed because these two doctors had botched so many abortions & hurt a lot of women. They do not have the proper credentials.

Sunday, July 1, a federal judge ruled that the Jackson clinic could remain open until their appeal was heard in court. Upset, hurt, angry; none of those feelings truly encompassed how I felt when I got that news after coming home from church that night. I was shocked in a sense, but not really surprised. I know our judicial system is in disarray, but I was really hoping this law would sustain. That night I got a message from a pro-life friend asking me if I could go to the clinic early Monday morning because they assumed a lot of media would be there to cover the story & they hoped maybe they would hear my personal testimony. 

I honestly didn't want to go. I wanted to take my kiddos to the pool & have a relaxing day, but God totally had other plans!

When I first arrived I greeted the other pro-lifers that were there already praying & reading Scripture. They showed me that CNN was across the street & had just finished interviewing the clinic owner & that I should go over there to talk to them. After praying I felt God nudge me to go. The CNN crew consisted of 3 men, a producer, a reporter, & a cameraman. They took my name & number & listened to a bit of my testimony & then in a VERY patronizing way told me they'd have to do a back ground check first. I was puzzled. See, I was a journalism major & I know that anytime you think you have someone who would make a good story you always film them, get your info & do the check later. God told me it wasn't going to happen & I was a little hurt as to why He had me go over there knowing they wouldn't dare talk to me.

I told the men I understood what they were doing. They only came for the story they wanted to show. They really didn't want the truth about abortion. "You'll talk to the owner," I told them, "& you'll show footage of the 'crazy' older white pro-life man with his graphic signs, but you wouldn't dare air the testimony of a woman who's actually had an abortion & has spent the last 14 years regretting it."

The producer tried to patronize me again, but I bluntly told him of my degree & I knew exactly what he was doing & I wasn't mad at him, I understood the game. I just wanted him to know I wasn't some idiot & that if he ever wanted the truth instead of a slant that he could call me. As I was talking a lady who works in the building across from the clinic was turning into her parking lot, rolled down her window & began to SCREAM at me for being on her property talking to them. She & her business HATE the sidewalk counselors who come each day to the clinic to pray & try & talk to the girls going in & out of the clinic. They also often turn on a sprinkler to soak the side-walk counselors...sad isn't it. That's a lot of hate! After the lady screamed at me the producer looked horrified, I told him to make sure he paid attention to which side was truly filled with hate.

I crossed the street back to the sidewalk in front of the clinic & grabbed a sign someone else had brought. The truth is WOMEN DO REGRET ABORTION! I stood in front of the gate, no one ever goes in this way, trying to grasp all that just happened. Why did they hate us so much? Why did God tell me to go over there for that? As I was contemplating all that had just happened, a worker from the clinic opened the gate, bumped me out of the way to hang up the yellow sign you see in the picture. She looked at my sign, rolled her eyes & laughed. I told her women do regret abortion, I should know, because I regret mine. She then laughed again & called me a hypocrite. "That's right, you're nothing but a two-faced hypocrite! You got your abortion & now you don't want anyone else to get theirs!" I tried to talk to her, but she was screaming so loud I couldn't get a word in, then she slammed the gate door & went inside. 

Hypocrite. Hypocrite! I was NOT a hypocrite! At that point I lost it. I had a good break down. I'm talking gut-wrenching, heart-felt, pain-filled cry. I couldn't have stopped if I tried. Before I knew it I was crying to God. My soul was bearing words. How in the world could she call me a hypocrite when all I was trying to do was share the truth of what abortion does to women. All I want to do is stop women from making the worst choice they could ever make! HYPOCRITE!!! I was broken. I closed my eyes & remembered Jesus hanging on the Cross asking God to forgive His persecutors, for they truly did not know what they were doing. So I did the same thing. Then Tenth Avenue North's new song Losing began to play in my head, "Father give me the grace to forgive them, because I feel like the one losing!"

 

 That was definitely a God-moment for me. A precious part of my journey that I will cherish forever. Because that moment I was undone & even though it doesn't come close to what Christ went through, I understood on a whole other level like never before. I thank Him for sending me into that fiery furnace because in the midst of the fire, I felt so close to Christ, for He was with me the WHOLE time!

I decided to take a break because I was emotionally worn down & the heat was UNBEARABLE! Luckily my sweet husband worked to blocks down so I was able to go get comfort from him & cool off for a bit. When I walked back to the clinic there was a lot more pro-lifers there. They were gathered in front of the gate where I had once stood & were praying, reading passages from the Bible & singing hymns. It was a beautiful sight to see these warriors in action. Peaceful, full of love & determination for the Lord. I decided not to interrupt them so I stood with my sign on the corner so the traffic passing by could see my sign & my face. 

All of sudden I heard a lady yelling at me telling me I had to move, I was on their property. I KINDLY told her I was not trespassing, that where the sidewalk is painted white & says "PRIVATE" is their property & where I was standing was public property. She then got in my face, & I mean all up in my face, screaming waving her finger, but I didn't move. I knew my rights & I was not about to be intimidated or bullied. So I stood. By this time the media came out of the clinic from interviewing the owner, & I mean a lot of media, not CNN, but many of our local stations & papers, the Associated Press (who took all the pictures you see on this blog) & the New York Times. They all began to pull out their cameras to capture what was happening. Now I know my face looks fierce in this picture, but I assure I was a lot more calm :). She threatened to call the cops & I told her to go ahead.

Then some of the precious sidewalk counselors came to my defense & the lady continued to scream at them, calling them all sorts of names. At one point she got too close too close to Mr. Ron (red shirt) for my liking so I stepped back in & told them we are here for Jesus & His love & we won't get into a yelling match, that she could call the cops if she felt the need, but I would not be moved! I felt the serene peace of God Almighty wash over me. I knew that no matter what happened, I would stand for Him & if that meant going to jail I was ok with that. After all, it didn't stop Paul!

She went back inside to call the cops, things calmed down for a bit, & I heard someone calling my name. It was my sweet sister in Christ Melissa! She & I went through our post-abortion Bible study, Surrendering The Secret, together. As we walked toward each other we both began to cry & we just embraced & held each other while we continued to cry & pray. This is what abortion does to women. It's an unending pain that never leaves. Jesus has most definitely healed us, but we will always hurt & long for our children that we aborted. We know what this clinic & others like it do to women. They just help you end a pregnancy, they help you kill your child, forever wounding you, & leaving you to deal with it. This is why I do what I do. To give God the glory for redeeming me, to show His love, to warn others of what this "choice" will do to you later, to save the unborn, & to help those who've already made the "choice." God told me years ago He was going to use me in this fight & I am a willing vessel.

Shortly after, three cop cars pulled around the clinic, two drove off while one stayed & pulled up to talk to us. He was very kind. The workers came back out screaming & acted crazy. The officer told her she needed to calm down. She told him we were trespassing, but I showed him the line & the part that said 

private. He said I was fine, to be sure we stayed on the public side, told the abortion workers to go back inside. He left, they went back inside, & we continued to pray & sing. So the abortion workers brought a radio outside & started to BLAST their music to drown us out. They also continued to come in & out of the gate to push past us, bump us out of the way & make rude comments, but it didn't deter us.

As the day went on many of the sidewalk counselors had to leave, but I stayed til God gave me the peace to go. The president of Pro-Life MS, Dayna, stayed as well. She looked at me at one point & said, "You're glowing! You're smiling SO big!" I hadn't even noticed, but she was right, I couldn't stop smiling!!! I had fought a battle that day & even though the clinic got to stay open, even though they yelled at us & were just downright rude & hateful, I feel like God won! He did a lot in me that day! My pastor had just preached a sermon the night before about Peter. How before Christ died he continued to say he would NEVER deny Christ even if it meant death, but then just as Christ said, Peter denied Jesus three times. But after His resurrection Peter changed. He became more bold in his walk, in the power of the Holy Spirit he had in him, even through persecution, Peter never stopped preaching Jesus's Truth, even to his death Peter remained faithful. I learned this day I had an unspeakable joy, an everlasting peace that no one could EVER take away from me. I learned this day firsthand that no matter what, as long as I'm preaching Jesus & doing as God leads me I have nothing to fear. 

I am prepared to fight this battle & any battle God's puts before me until I die, even if it costs me my life. I have an amazing supportive husband & the best prayer warriors I know! I could feel their prayers so thick around me this day, I could see the angels encamped around me. And so I smiled & apparently I glowed.

 

Pregnant Without a Baby

About a month ago the Lord opened a door for me to lead women through a healing journey dealing with miscarriage. I myself have not "technically" had a miscarriage where a baby's life was lost. In November 2006 I took a pregnancy test & found out I was pregnant. My husband & I were overjoyed! I had a blood test & another urine test done at my 1st doctors appointment & both were positive, but it was too early to hear the heartbeat, so we would have to wait til my next appointment at 13 weeks.

This was my 3rd pregnancy (1st was by rape in which I had an abortion, 2nd my son Brady) & my husband & I had already agreed on names & were planning away never for once thinking something wouldn't be right. Two days after Christmas we went in to hear the heartbeat & my doctor was unable to find it with the Doppler. So I went to the sonographer's office to do a vaginal ultrasound, but I soon realized something was wrong. She kept moving it around as my husband, son, & I watched on the TV screen on the wall. I saw something & asked if that was the baby, her response was no, it was my ovary. She continued to look around, "Is that my baby?" I asked again, "No that's the placenta." I began to get a bit worried knowing deep inside something wasn't right.

"Is that my baby?" I asked once more in complete desperation begging her to say yes, but once again she said no. She then left the room with pictures in hand & came back with my doctor. They continued the sonogram & I remember looking at my husband who was holding Brady & looking worried. Then my doctor spoke up & said it seemed as if I had a missed-abortion & there wasn't a baby in my womb. I began weeping uncontrollably at the words "missed-abortion" & thought to myself, I didn't miss my abortion I was there all those years ago, what is she talking about.

Seeing how broken I was she told me to get dressed & meet her in her office. I remember breaking down in the bathroom, unable to dress myself. I felt so guilty. I felt like because I had an abortion before, I had caused my husband this pain, it was all my fault. He came in to console me & I couldn't do anything but cry & apologize. He comforted me & kept reminding me it wasn't my fault.

When we finally made it to the doctor's office she showed me the pics from the ultrasound which showed I had everything a pregnant woman had except a baby. How could this be? How does your body get pregnant without actually having a baby inside? I felt betrayed by my body. With my other 2 pregnancies I experienced horrible nausea, hyperemesis, but this time, though I felt nauseated it wasn't that bad, I didn't throw up as much, but I still had some morning sickness. I hadn't experienced any cramping or bleeding like a miscarriage would cause. My breasts were swollen, my taste buds had changed, I was pregnant, but as it turned out, pregnant without a baby.

My doctor told me the closest medical term was missed-abortion, but she had never heard of anyone staying pregnant 13 weeks without a baby or without any bleeding or indication that there was a baby. We would have to do a D & C to remove the sac & placenta the next day. I was beyond sad. Beyond devastated.

I didn't sleep at all that night. I laid in Brady's toddler bed (he had gone to Brad's mom's) & I wept. I took a bath & wept. I went outside & looked at the stars & I wept some more. I was undone. I felt like I deserved this because of my abortion, but my husband & child did not. I still couldn't wrap my mind around how my body could betray me. No baby yet 3 positive pregnancy tests & normal pregnancy symptoms. My husband awoke & we went for the D & C & thankfully they put me to sleep for it. I came home & slept all day & anytime I woke up I would write in a journal. I kept looking at the space beside me in the bed thinking a baby should be there, but there wasn't one, never was.

The days that followed were rough. The bleeding was excessive & I kept cramping uncontrollably & it was so bad at times I couldn't even stand. I called my doctor to explain what was happening & went back in for an ultrasound. It was clear, everything had been removed & looked fine. But when I got into the elevator I felt something pass & it was now out of me. I ran back straight to her office to her. It turned out to be a piece of the placenta that was missed & never showed up on the ultrasound, but it was causing me to have contractions to remove it. My sweet doctor kept apologizing for missing it, but I watched the ultrasound & nothing was there. I'm not sure how it was missed. I went back home & began to move forward.

When I prayed to God to help me deal with this pain, to help me understand He kept assuring me not grieve a baby, because there wasn't one, but it was ok to grieve the loss of the pregnancy. In time I finally understood this was a gift. I was in denial about my first pregnancy for so long & hated the thought of being pregnant by rape. And though I grieved the baby I aborted, I took for granted the pregnancy itself & never acknowledged it. Through this I was able to let out all those emotions & finally grieve. Pregnancy is a true miracle of God. Doctors can put sperm & egg together in a petri dish, but only God can make it sustain & live in a mother's womb. He alone is the giver of LIFE!

Since then I have had 2 more pregnancies that did produce babies, my precious 4 year old Rylan & my 19 month old Keller. So last night as I was preparing & researching about the various types of miscarriage I came across missed-abortions & read all the descriptions I could find. Then I was overcome with panic. What if there was a baby & my doctor was wrong?! What if I never grieved that baby or honored it?! Did I have another baby in Heaven?! I began frantically searching & reading the Internet searching for a clue to give me closure. As I told my husband why I was so consumed in the computer he said, "Ashley you know that's not true." And it clicked.

Stupid stupid Satan had gotten in to knock me off focusing on a ministry the Lord had called me to begin at my church. Satan was trying to confuse me & distract me so I couldn't complete what God had set before me. I immediately just shut the laptop & told Satan where he could go. I reminded Satan that God had already confirmed years ago that there was no baby, that I only had one child in Heaven & I believed in Him alone!

I'm so thankful for God's confirmations, His promises, His faithfulness!!! I don't have to listen to Satan & all the "what ifs" that come my way. I can rest assured in the truth of Scripture & the hope I have in Jesus Christ.

Being Indifferent Isn't Being Pro-life

Since I've completely opened up about my abortion in October I have felt drained about abortion all together. This is such a hard battle to fight & it's not easy once you get the epiphany that too many people really don't care. The more I dig in to educate myself about the world of abortion, Planned Parenthood, sidewalk counseling, CPCs, personhood, & all things pro-life related, the more I've found that there are FAR too many people doing nothing about it. Many are Christians. This makes my heart literally hurt!
I would guess about 99% of Christians would deem themselves pro-life, but very few even do anything to help the cause. So in my opinion that's not being pro-life, it's just being indifferent.

Scripture easily teaches us that we are human, people even in the womb, we were created in the image of Almighty God, & for whatever reasons the majority of Christians aren't even voting pro-life. Not only with the Personhood Amendments, but by voting for men & women who in turn pass pro-abortion/anti-life bills & laws.

I've also heard the excuse, "Well I'm pro-life, but it's not my place to tell a woman what she should do." That has to be one the most absurd comments I've heard! If you saw a woman about to run over her child would you not do whatever it took to stop her, to save the child??? Then the line I hear when I ask people to go pray at the abortion clinic, "I'll pray about it." And yet I NEVER hear back from them! Once again I ask, if you saw a woman about to run over her child would you have to stop & pray & ask God if you should try to stop her??? I think not. So why aren't there droves of Christians praying at the clinics?

Because we are lazy & we just don't care. We have let society & culture train us up to be as self centered as possible & think that donating money to this cause or that cause somehow makes us good stewards. In actuality we should be training ourselves up in Christ to love Him with all our heart, soul, mind, & strength that we will DO whatever it takes to defend His Word. The second greatest commandment given by Christ was to love others, but how are we showing that? Love isn't a word you can just say & it makes everything OK, it's something you live out. Christ lived out His love by dying for OUR sins & yet we come up with EVERY excuse known to man to not DO anything for Him that might makes us a little uncomfortable!

Harsh? Yes. Blunt? You betcha. Truth? ABSOLUTELY!!!

I'm angry! We (the Church) have let the world poison our minds so much that we have somehow misinterpreted what Scripture teaches us! Jesus said in Matthew25, that WHATEVER we do to the least of these, we do to Him, & whatever we DON'T do for the least of these, we did not do for Him. I'm pretty certain a defenseless unborn child is about as "least of these" as you can get. So why is such little being done to help them?

We can't blame the government! We elect them! We must seek the Lord with ALL of our hearts, fall on our knees & humble ourselves before God & cry out for mercy for our nation! We've got to support our local pregnancy centers whether it's financial, volunteering, or donating a pack of diapers to them once a month. We've got to get our churches to takes groups at the very least once a month to pray at an abortion clinic! You don't have to talk to anyone going in unless the Lord prompts you to. Sometimes just the presence of others praying says enough. Prayer + Faith = POWER!!!

Our churches & pastors need to understand the importance of preaching pro-life messages, having post-abortive Bible studies for women & men, loving on teen moms, single moms, divorced, widowed, or just unwed. We've got to get past judging & simply start loving.

The Church cannot be indifferent when it comes to being pro-life, we HAVE to actually BE pro-life! I'm not angry or upset about this because I've had an abortion, it's because I realized that I was indifferent for far too long, I bought into the lies along with many other Christians. We are to be like Christ, loving others, defending His Word, helping, sharing, spreading the Good News. Past generations of Christians remained silent for so long that it got us in the predicament we find ourselves in today.

Slowly & surely we are losing our rights & freedoms. Church we must rise up, take our place on the battle lines & FIGHT!

Will you fight? If you don't what will you say to Christ the day you see Him face to face? What's more scary is what He might say to you about being so indifferent!

I would like to apologize for the rant, the soap-box, my 2 cents, but I can't. I'm not sorry I wrote an angry blog. Jesus got angry in His time for the evil that was going on, the indifferent self-righteous Sadducees & Pharisees & He made no apologies for it. We are to be angry & sin not. We are to speak truth in love & my love for others, for the child I aborted, the world I'm trying to change for my children & future generations, my love for Christ & the Bible is why I'm angry.

Nope, I'm not indifferent anymore!

Blessings to you all & may we all take our stands.

How my abortion has effected my children

I've avoided writing this blog for almost 2 months because it's incredibly hard to admit. Over Thanksgiving my sister & two nephews from TX came to visit us one afternoon. My nephews are 13 & 6 & my boys (6, 3, & 1) adore their cousins! They were able to play together while my sister & I drank coffee & visited. A couple of days after they left, my 6 year old, Brady, asked me how old my nephew Caleb was. I told him 13 & this was his response,

"Wow! 13! That's so cool! I wish I had a big brother that was 13!"

I had no idea how to respond. All I could think about was he DID have an older brother, who would in fact be 13 in a month IF I had not had an abortion. I went to my bathroom & cried. I had never thought how my abortion would effect my future children. I realized that my sister & I would have two sons the same ages. It was a hard hit that I never expected. Thinking about it again makes me cry all over!

Thirteen years ago I made a very bad decision based out of fear & shame from my rape. I did not want to have an abortion, I knew it was wrong, but I was so scared. I made a choice that has never left me. So many people will use girls like me to excuse the abortion because of rape.

Well let me tell you once again, rape is NO EXCUSE for abortion. My abortion has effected me far worse than the rape. I live everyday knowing a piece of me is missing. I praise God for healing me of the shame, guilt, fear, & worthlessness I felt for so many years, but I will always REGRET my abortion, I will always GRIEVE my child.

Every Christmas when shopping for my 3 lil boys I always wonder what Joshua (my son that I aborted) would've liked. When I meet young boys who are the age he would've been I wonder how much like them he would be. What kind of big brother he would be? What would he grow up to become? I will never have an answer for these things, I will always wonder.

I miss him more than words could ever express! I know my boys are missing out by not having him here. I long for the day I can hold him & hug him in Heaven!

I can never undo the choice I made that day as a frightened, young, naive 18 year old girl, but I can live my life honoring Joshua & his memory by sharing my story, fighting to end abortion, striving to have personhood laws passed, helping other post-abortive women find healing in Christ. I have no idea how I will tell my children about their brother Joshua & why he is Heaven, why he was never born. I pray that God alone will guide us through that as a family girded in His truths & His unconditional love!

I pray blessings over you all & no matter what you have done in your life, it is NOT too big for the Cross! I'm grateful everyday that Jesus took my place & died for my sins! Oh how I deserve that pain & death He bore that day! Yet He looked on me with such love that He died in my place! What an amazing, loving, Savior we serve!

Miracles, March for Life, & the Mickey Mouse Club

All Christians believe God does miracles. Sometimes we say things randomly happen, but we know that God works everything out & those random things are orchestrated by Him to bring about a purpose for His divine will. Well do you believe that God used one of my favorite childhood shows, the Mickey Mouse Club, to begin another journey for me?


Well believe it!

During the Yes on 26 Personhood Campaign a lady named Danielle began following me on Twitter. Sunday night she tweeted that a former Mouseketeer was going to be on the singing competition The Voice. (Are you laughing yet?) I immediately replied because I was so in love with this guy in 5th grade :)!! Then a follower of hers replies to us laughing because she was an extra on the MMC. I was immediately intrigued by this so I went to her profile to see who she was.

Kelly Clinger was not only apart of the MMC, but she was also a back up singer for Britney Spears in the past. Her profile stated that she was post abortive & involved with the Silent No More campaign that helps men & women who've had abortions & others who have been affected by abortion. I told her briefly about my prolife stuff & directed her to the video of me at a press conference speaking out on why rape is not an excuse for abortion.

She asked if in fact that was me & was ecstatic that it was!!! She said she had shared the video many times & had hoped, along with others apart of Silent No More, that we would come in contact. How amazing is that!?! God used the MMC to bring us together! I love how He works sometimes! In ways we LEAST expect it!

She invited me to be apart of the March for Life that takes place each year around the anniversary of Roe vs Wade. Thousands of people come each year to take a stand for life & a stand against abortion. Many women & men who've had abortions, paid for abortions, helped someone get an abortion, or are somehow affected by abortion give their testimonies in front of the Supreme Court in Washington DC. I found out about this in 2008 & added it my "bucket list" of things I wanted to do.

Many states hold their own March for Life events & I had decided to do the March for Life in my state. God clearly had other plans. He knew my deep desire to go to Washington DC & fulfill this dream. He birthed in me long ago to take a major stand against abortion, to stand up for life, to bring glory to His truth & His Word, by using my testimony. For months now He has been opening doors for me to share my story & how He has set me free & healed me. I'm currently in the process of writing my own post-abortion Bible study! (prayers!!)

I talked to Kelly yesterday & she told me if I could get to DC to speak, my hotel would FREE, they really wanted me to be apart of this. I told my husband & we both knew that we didn't have the money to pay for a last-minute plane ticket to get me there. I immediately began praying, asking God to make a way, to do a miracle if He wanted me there. I asked all my prayer warriors to join in & pray with me. I had decided though, that if it didn't work out I would be ok, I would just do my local one & save up for next year.

A lady who used to attend my church asked me how someone could send me money to help me go. I gave her my information, not expecting a lot, because let's face it, I was going to need hundreds of dollars & in today's economy I didn't expect anyone to just GIVE me the money. This morning she calls me bright & early & tells me about a lady from her current church that has had an abortion. This lady has never really talked about her abortion because of her young children, but is active in helping prolife efforts. She also saw the video of me back in November & immediately wanted to help me.

Two other families had been praying, asking God to show them where to give some extra money to & when they heard about my need, they immediately believed it was from God & donated their money to help me go to DC!! I have never even met these people! All they know about me is what they saw in a short video pleading for people to not use rape as an excuse for abortion & to see that God is the Creator of life. That one day has COMPLETELY & utterly changed my life forever!!! I am so incredibly humbled by my Savior!!

Faith + Prayer = POWER!!! After I hung up the phone I burst into tears thanking my Lord over & over! I'm tearing up again writing this! He is such a loving Daddy to His children! My flight is booked, I'm working on childcare, & golly gee whiz I'm HEADED TO DC!!!!! I know this trip is going to open so many more doors! I can't even imagine what the Lord is up to, but I trust Him & my answer is "YES LORD!!! SEND ME!! I WILL GO FOR YOU!!!" (Isaiah 6:8)

This humbles me more than I can say. Just this past Sunday at church a lady told me about a state senator who was making statements that he would NEVER allow personhood to pass in our state. Of course this just broke me because I know firsthand how important such a law is! On the way to church that evening Satan had began torturing me. I had a VERY vivid flashback of my rape. I had not had one in many years. He kept taunting me, telling me I was wrong, I wasn't raped, & so forth. That night I couldn't keep it together. I just kept crying my eyes out because I knew the truth, but because I was unconscious for a greater part of it, there is a lot I don't remember. Through my tears I kept praising God & holding on to the truths I have in Him. My husband & I had our pastor pray over us & immediately felt much better. When we got home is when all of the aforementioned stuff came to be. I love how God shows off His love for me! He didn't have to a thing more than He's already done for me & yet He keeps pushing me forward, walking beside me, leading me down new paths for His purpose.

Please continue to pray for me & my family & for all those traveling to DC for this event. We know that anytime we move forward for Christ, Satan will be right behind us ready to attack us & break us down. Thank you for being a part of this journey with me! The support & prayer from friends & strangers has kept me going during these last months & continues to help me forge ahead!

Blessings to you all & I can't wait to come back & tell you ALL about it!!



How this all came to be

The last few days have been a whirlwind to me! I feel like I should lay flat on the ground & worship Jesus & never get up! I need a new word for humbled because I don't think humbled even touches what I am! Last Thursday I finally gave in to Jesus & wrote in my blog about my rape & abortion. The feed back was immediately great. That night I saw a commercial against Amendment 26 with a woman saying she had been raped & that abortion is ok for rape victims.

Immediately my heart sank. I felt like Satan was mocking me, laughing in my face. I immediately called the Yes for 26 campaign & told them my story over the voicemail. Early Friday morning they called me back & said they wished they somehow could do a commercial with me, but time was just so short, but if something came up they would call me.

I went on with my morning, got the kids some McDonald's & went to get my hair done. As soon as I walked in Yes on 26 called & said they wanted me to do an interview with a local news station to share my story! Now you know God has EXCELLENT timing because my roots were HORRID! He waited just in time for me to get all prettied up :)

My family still didn't know about what I had been through. So before the news aired on TV my husband called his family & I got in touch with mine to let them know. The cat was finally out of the bag! They were all supportive of me, but my dad seems to be taking it hard that I didn't tell him back then. So please pray for him. I don't want him or anyone else to hurt.

That afternoon I went to the MS Baptist Convention to film my interview. It went great! The MBC were so excited I was sharing my story they wanted the footage to show at their convention. Unfortunately when the interview aired it wasn't at all what we were expecting.



 Social Media Used In Battle Over Personhood


I was really bummed that after all I said, that is what aired. But I kept trusting God & knew His will would proceed. Over the weekend many people were calling, texting, facebooking me to let me know they saw the clip & were praying for me & thanking me for being so brave. My former BSU (Baptist Student Union) director asked me to speak to his students at a local community college next week. I was just amazed at the response I was hearing & could only thank Jesus for using me & keeping His promise, not that I ever doubted He would.

Unfortunately the news channel wouldn't give out the raw footage to the MBC for them to show at their convention so my wonderful church agreed to refilm me. The Lord made a way. My in-law's church will be airing that footage this Sunday too! God is doing a MIGHTY work! I am  merely His vessel! Monday morning I got an email from the Yes on 26 Campaign asking me to come to their press conference & possibly speak. The whole day I just prayed & prayed that Jesus would speak through me! And boy howdy did He!!

After the speakers of the press conference were finished the reporters & crowd were able to to ask questions. A retired OBGYN was giving her medical side on a question then a group of people from Parents Against MS 26 yelled out, "What about in the case of incest & rape? Shouldn't women who are raped be able to have an abortion?" And this video is what followed.

I knew I was talking, but Jesus was speaking through me! It is now all over Facebook & YouTube. Can't go back now. :) But God told me years ago, many times He reminded me that He was going to use my story to bring Him glory. After all, it's really His story because when I gave my life to Jesus, I gave Him my past, present, & future.

I just hope & pray & ask that you pray that the LIES & MISINFORMATION about 26 & the HYPOTHETICAL situations don't scare people from the truth about what 26 says & what it WILL do, not what it MIGHT do.

Blessings to you all!!