Peace in the midst of Pain: my miscarriage story

I was absolutely elated when I realized I was pregnant in December 2014 & bought 3 different kinds of pregnancy tests to be certain before I told Brad! He was surprised & possibly more excited than I was. We waited til after the boys opened their Christmas gifts to tell them & like us they were overjoyed! 

The week before my first dr's appointment I had a sinking feeling something was wrong. I asked my close friends & prayer warriors to pray because the feeling was deep & I knew it was God preparing me for the news. Just as I had known, the sonogram showed an empty sac...no baby, no yolk sac...empty.

I was only 6 weeks & was told to do a blood test & to come back in two weeks for another sonogram because there was still a chance a baby was there, but too small to see. I wanted so badly to believe this was true & I scoured the Internet & found oodles of stories with happy endings for other women in the same situation. So I hoped, I had faith, & I believed anything was possible with God!

Four days later I began cramping & having back pain & I knew something was wrong so I went back to the dr & my new blood test showed my progesterone was low & I began taking pills to help me not miscarry. My pastor & many prayer warriors were praying life over my womb & during the wait for our next sonogram I was completely covered in peace. The Lord gave me wonderful Scriptures to soothe my worry every time I opened my Bible. 

I didn't just want a miracle for myself, but for others. So many struggle with their faith & desire to see a miracle & I wanted to see a baby on that sonogram for them to see a miracle & know without any doubt our God still performs miracles!

The Lord kept repeating this verse to me, at first I thought it was because we didn't see a baby & He wanted me to believe a child was there, but as the days went on I knew it was because there was something else I wasn't seeing. I knew deep down I was once again pregnant without a child. We experienced this before & didn't find out til I was 13 weeks & I had to have a D&C. Everyone kept telling me it would be different, I had to believe, have more faith, but I knew the Lord was teaching me something & I also prayed & I truly had faith that if He wanted me to have a child in my womb He would & He could...that wasn't my story though.

My next appointment showed no baby, just an empty sac, & my blood work indicated exactly what we saw. Once again, pregnant without a baby. 

The cool thing about God is that He uses our sorrow to help others, to grow us, to do things bigger than we can imagine. Because He called me to be public about what was going on three other women confided they were going through miscarriages as well. One actually had a blighted ovum just like me...no baby. Others messaged me, thanking me for being open & honest because it was helping them deal with their feelings or helping them come to terms with a miscarriage they had in the past, & knowing I was helping other women helped me!

At first I thought that not losing the life of a child would keep me from falling apart. I left the dr's office full of peace! I was bummed, but not heartbroken. My prayers then became focused on not having to have another D&C & hoping I would miscarry the sac on my own. 

Things were fine at first, I was ready to move forward & on with my life, but then God told me I had been trying to control my life & I wasn't letting Him be the pilot. I was so convicted & repented & knew He was right! I was heartbroken that I had let Him down & though I had confessed, I was in such a funk, beating myself up. Then a precious friend brought me my favorite flowers (not knowing they were my favorite) & she & I had such an uplifting conversation! As she left I checked the mail & another sweet friend had sent me the PERFECT card!!

The Lord reminded me that He knew all along what I was going to go through. He knew I would disobey, He knew I would be hurting, & He used these two women to be His hands & feet & to remind me that He loves me! His mercy & grace NEVER ends! That He had plans far beyond what I could dream or hope! I just had to trust & walk by faith!

A few days later I began spotting & the miscarriage process began.

(Graphic details below)

My dr told me it would be painful, but I had no idea the extent of it! My cramping intensified so I took a pain pill that was prescribed & my husband took our kids to a Super Bowl party so I could be alone & rest...but there was NO rest! Even with the pain pill my pain was an 8 on a scale of 1-10, clots were passing, big & small, & tons & tons of blood!! Then my pain soared to a 12! Off the charts! I was crying & begging, pleading with God to help me!! 

I called my friend who is a nurse & she told me to take another pain pill & to call her back if it got worse. By the next morning the pain was down, the blood & clots weren't so extreme, but my emotions were. 

Even though a child's life wasn't lost, my hopes & dreams of adding a precious blessing to our family was. I was angry at myself for being so sad. I just wanted to go forward, but I was in limbo. Even with the sadness & anger mixed in, the peace of Christ covered me! I could feel His presence with me, working within me, drawing me close to His side. In the midst of the pain, there was PEACE! An unexplainable, comforting Peace that let me cry & yell when I needed to.

Then a package of baby leggings I had ordered in hopes we would have another girl arrived & I couldn't take them out of my car. Every time I thought about bringing them inside my house I got teary eyed & just left them sitting there.

My next dr appointment showed my uterus lining was still thick & parts of the sac were still there. I was also still testing positive for pregnancy & if my body didn't finish the miscarriage I would still have to have the D&C. I left crying. My body was holding on to what was left of the pregnancy like I was holding on to the hope of another child.

What if this was my last pregnancy? What if life would never grow in my womb again? Was I ready to be done having babies? Was that season over?

All those questions ran through my head & instead of being overwhelmed by them, the Peace remained. 

With all of my inner turmoil going on I was speaking at a purity conference for teens & planning a baby shower. I had been doing ok & thought I was over the emotional part. Then I went to Babies R Us to buy shower gifts & hit me again...& I cried again...& again...I was stunned by my reaction! I didn't expect to feel the loss of not having a baby to hit me so hard.

That night I checked Facebook & a sweet friend tagged me in this picture, not knowing what I was going through at that very moment. 

I wept! The moment I saw it I knew it was from God! He reminded me that He sees me. He sees my hurt, He sees the tears, He sees my love for my friend & her baby & He is El Roi! 

The day of her baby shower I went to my car & grabbed the baby leggings & gave them to her. I knew I could let them go & have faith that someday I would get a chance to use them, but for now I just had to let go. And I cried! Like bawled. But it was healing! Beautifully healing & full of Peace...

Today I finally got the results I had been waiting for...blood work is normal. I'm not pregnant. The miscarriage is physically over & now I let the Lord continue to heal me spiritually & emotionally.

I don't know how people live their lives without Christ! Without the power of the Holy Spirit working in them, comforting them, talking to God, digging in His Word, & knowing beyond a shadow of doubt no matter what's going on...He's there & He is PEACE!

Blessings! 

Pregnant Without a Baby

About a month ago the Lord opened a door for me to lead women through a healing journey dealing with miscarriage. I myself have not "technically" had a miscarriage where a baby's life was lost. In November 2006 I took a pregnancy test & found out I was pregnant. My husband & I were overjoyed! I had a blood test & another urine test done at my 1st doctors appointment & both were positive, but it was too early to hear the heartbeat, so we would have to wait til my next appointment at 13 weeks.

This was my 3rd pregnancy (1st was by rape in which I had an abortion, 2nd my son Brady) & my husband & I had already agreed on names & were planning away never for once thinking something wouldn't be right. Two days after Christmas we went in to hear the heartbeat & my doctor was unable to find it with the Doppler. So I went to the sonographer's office to do a vaginal ultrasound, but I soon realized something was wrong. She kept moving it around as my husband, son, & I watched on the TV screen on the wall. I saw something & asked if that was the baby, her response was no, it was my ovary. She continued to look around, "Is that my baby?" I asked again, "No that's the placenta." I began to get a bit worried knowing deep inside something wasn't right.

"Is that my baby?" I asked once more in complete desperation begging her to say yes, but once again she said no. She then left the room with pictures in hand & came back with my doctor. They continued the sonogram & I remember looking at my husband who was holding Brady & looking worried. Then my doctor spoke up & said it seemed as if I had a missed-abortion & there wasn't a baby in my womb. I began weeping uncontrollably at the words "missed-abortion" & thought to myself, I didn't miss my abortion I was there all those years ago, what is she talking about.

Seeing how broken I was she told me to get dressed & meet her in her office. I remember breaking down in the bathroom, unable to dress myself. I felt so guilty. I felt like because I had an abortion before, I had caused my husband this pain, it was all my fault. He came in to console me & I couldn't do anything but cry & apologize. He comforted me & kept reminding me it wasn't my fault.

When we finally made it to the doctor's office she showed me the pics from the ultrasound which showed I had everything a pregnant woman had except a baby. How could this be? How does your body get pregnant without actually having a baby inside? I felt betrayed by my body. With my other 2 pregnancies I experienced horrible nausea, hyperemesis, but this time, though I felt nauseated it wasn't that bad, I didn't throw up as much, but I still had some morning sickness. I hadn't experienced any cramping or bleeding like a miscarriage would cause. My breasts were swollen, my taste buds had changed, I was pregnant, but as it turned out, pregnant without a baby.

My doctor told me the closest medical term was missed-abortion, but she had never heard of anyone staying pregnant 13 weeks without a baby or without any bleeding or indication that there was a baby. We would have to do a D & C to remove the sac & placenta the next day. I was beyond sad. Beyond devastated.

I didn't sleep at all that night. I laid in Brady's toddler bed (he had gone to Brad's mom's) & I wept. I took a bath & wept. I went outside & looked at the stars & I wept some more. I was undone. I felt like I deserved this because of my abortion, but my husband & child did not. I still couldn't wrap my mind around how my body could betray me. No baby yet 3 positive pregnancy tests & normal pregnancy symptoms. My husband awoke & we went for the D & C & thankfully they put me to sleep for it. I came home & slept all day & anytime I woke up I would write in a journal. I kept looking at the space beside me in the bed thinking a baby should be there, but there wasn't one, never was.

The days that followed were rough. The bleeding was excessive & I kept cramping uncontrollably & it was so bad at times I couldn't even stand. I called my doctor to explain what was happening & went back in for an ultrasound. It was clear, everything had been removed & looked fine. But when I got into the elevator I felt something pass & it was now out of me. I ran back straight to her office to her. It turned out to be a piece of the placenta that was missed & never showed up on the ultrasound, but it was causing me to have contractions to remove it. My sweet doctor kept apologizing for missing it, but I watched the ultrasound & nothing was there. I'm not sure how it was missed. I went back home & began to move forward.

When I prayed to God to help me deal with this pain, to help me understand He kept assuring me not grieve a baby, because there wasn't one, but it was ok to grieve the loss of the pregnancy. In time I finally understood this was a gift. I was in denial about my first pregnancy for so long & hated the thought of being pregnant by rape. And though I grieved the baby I aborted, I took for granted the pregnancy itself & never acknowledged it. Through this I was able to let out all those emotions & finally grieve. Pregnancy is a true miracle of God. Doctors can put sperm & egg together in a petri dish, but only God can make it sustain & live in a mother's womb. He alone is the giver of LIFE!

Since then I have had 2 more pregnancies that did produce babies, my precious 4 year old Rylan & my 19 month old Keller. So last night as I was preparing & researching about the various types of miscarriage I came across missed-abortions & read all the descriptions I could find. Then I was overcome with panic. What if there was a baby & my doctor was wrong?! What if I never grieved that baby or honored it?! Did I have another baby in Heaven?! I began frantically searching & reading the Internet searching for a clue to give me closure. As I told my husband why I was so consumed in the computer he said, "Ashley you know that's not true." And it clicked.

Stupid stupid Satan had gotten in to knock me off focusing on a ministry the Lord had called me to begin at my church. Satan was trying to confuse me & distract me so I couldn't complete what God had set before me. I immediately just shut the laptop & told Satan where he could go. I reminded Satan that God had already confirmed years ago that there was no baby, that I only had one child in Heaven & I believed in Him alone!

I'm so thankful for God's confirmations, His promises, His faithfulness!!! I don't have to listen to Satan & all the "what ifs" that come my way. I can rest assured in the truth of Scripture & the hope I have in Jesus Christ.