Confession from a former Twilight fan :)

"Much of the allure about Twilight is that it appeals to our heart, or rather the unmet needs and issues of our heart. The driving need for escape, for romance, for the supernatural. We are investing enormous amounts of time, money and emotional resources on a fictitious toxic romance about the supernatural. Because we are not grounded in the truth of God's Word, and are not being transformed, we are easily deceived and drawn away from the truth to fill the empty void in our lives." - from Deborah Collins

I'm not gonna lie-I used to be a Twihard & a HUGE Harry Potter fan. Anytime & every time a Christian had something bad to say I got VERY defensive & had a list of reasons/excuses as to why these books/movies weren't affecting my walk with Christ-I know now that was lie straight from Satan I allowed myself to believe :/

Earlier this year at a ladies' retreat God awakened something deep within me-this complete yearning & longing for Him on such a more intimate level that I had never really thought about before. I tried on MY OWN to do away w these books/movies/ other TV shows etc but kept failing. Finally I realized that I couldn't do it-but I prayed that God would open my eyes to the things that had my heart more than He did & of course these particular books & movies were the first thing He showed me.

I knew it would be only by His grace that could just let it go. It was hard throwing these books away because they had cost a good bit of money over time-but I knew what God had for me on the other side would be worth it.

Now this is my personal testimony & God is still working on me. In fact I had come up w a plan to sneak & see the movie not telling anyone, but luckily with prayer, it faded away. And there are still other things of this world I need to draw away from in order to continue to draw closer to God.

I don't want to settle for an on the surface type Christianity where I fool myself into thinking certain things are OK when I know God is asking more from me. And I DEFINITELY desire to have more of Him!

No one other than God could have really opened my eyes to this revelation so I don't expect anyone to change their opinion because of me but it is my hope that we continue to seek God & see what He would have for us to give up & do away with in order to know Him in a more intimate way-after all Christ gave His life for us so what is it to do away with some sci-fi/fantasy in order to be more like Him & less like the world?

One thing He brought before me was this: how often have I had such an eagerness to read the Bible the way I've been so eager to read these books? Would I wait outside church for hours to make sure I had a good seat? If my church were having service from 12 am-2am would I be that excited to go as I was to see these movies?

My answer to Him was NO to all of them which made me realize He wasn't as much of a priority to me as these things were & thus my journey with Him to remove ALL things that come before Him began & it still continues :)

I only posted my lil testimony about because I have defended myself watching/reading the things before & I knew I needed to share my awakening :).

I don't expect anyone to change their mind because of me & I believe VERY strongly that God probably wouldn't have changed my old thoughts if I hadn't started to seek Him on a different level. You know the verse that says draw close to Him & He will draw close to you? Well I know now in order for us to be closer some things have to be put away, albeit earthly things such as books/movies/TV or other things such as anger, unforgiveness, fear, pride etc etc etc :) I'm just grateful He keeps pursuing me & that He covers me in grace!

revisiting my past

I am going to be as honest as I can...my life has been hard! I had a stinky childhood & adolescence & the majority of my college/adult years has been trying to overcome it & be healed and strengthen and right now I just feel BLAH!

It isnt easy going back and recounting the hurt and pain I have felt and being honest with myself about it and how it has effected me as an adult. I have downplayed how bad my life has been, because I know unfortunately some have it worse & I also like to pretend that I am strong and will survive...but that's me being prideful. The truth is I am not that strong and I still have a long way to go with my healing.

I really want to be angry & let those involved know just how angry I am and what they did was wrong and the pain and heartache it has caused me over the years. I want to walk away be done...but I cant. God has placed inside me a huge heart and no matter how bad I am treated or how hurt I get I still love those people and I still want them to be better than they are. Yet somehow I continuously get hurt & seem to be the one who lives with it everyday all the while the others never seem to have a second thought as to what they did to me...and it's probably because I keep forgiving them & letting them back in.

I want to see the world through the eyes of Christ and I want to love the world as Christ does and be compassionate...but it is hurting me and because I am not God I dont know how to really deal with it. I feel completely torn by the Christian side of me who wants to continue loving and forgiving & the human side that is mad & hurt & torn & wants to walk away and never look back.

I have realized my issues are far deeper than I ever really admitted or cared to notice. I am scared that if I cant get the proper counseling or advice on how to deal with this I am going to be unhappy & turn in to someone I dont like and become a bad influence on my children. I ask that if you are reading this that you lift me up in prayer daily so that Jesus will be the only voice I hear & the only one I follow.

I have always been a loner because I was taught by my family & friends at an early age that I could never fully depend on them & in the end when I really needed support & love, they wouldnt be there the way I needed them to be. Now as a Christian adult I have some really good friends & family that do support me & love me, and yet I find myself still feeling lonely from time to time. I often wonder if i push people away, if there's something in me that makes people not want to be around me, or if I myself am turning my back on them.??? I honestly dont know the answer. Maybe a little bit of all.

God is really working on me right now & am eagerly seeking Him on the kind of person He wants me to be. This isnt easy...in fact it's downright HARD!!! I feel weak and vulnerable and scared that satan is going to sneak in and pull me away without me noticing.

I am doing an intense Bible Study to help me with some of the issues I have & am seeking full and complete healing so in turn I can help others who have walked a similar path . The worst feeling in the world is to feel alone and believe that I dont really matter in the end. I know Christ is on my side, and if it were me alone that He had to sacrifice Himself for...He still would have done it...He is an AMAZING GOD!

And more than anything else...I dont want to displease Him! I want Him to use me for His glory & when He is done with me, to take me to be with Him! But my path isnt easy and I have to be SURE I stay on it & not try to runaway when things get tough. For I know I am truly blessed & highly favored by God!