revisiting my past

I am going to be as honest as I can...my life has been hard! I had a stinky childhood & adolescence & the majority of my college/adult years has been trying to overcome it & be healed and strengthen and right now I just feel BLAH!

It isnt easy going back and recounting the hurt and pain I have felt and being honest with myself about it and how it has effected me as an adult. I have downplayed how bad my life has been, because I know unfortunately some have it worse & I also like to pretend that I am strong and will survive...but that's me being prideful. The truth is I am not that strong and I still have a long way to go with my healing.

I really want to be angry & let those involved know just how angry I am and what they did was wrong and the pain and heartache it has caused me over the years. I want to walk away be done...but I cant. God has placed inside me a huge heart and no matter how bad I am treated or how hurt I get I still love those people and I still want them to be better than they are. Yet somehow I continuously get hurt & seem to be the one who lives with it everyday all the while the others never seem to have a second thought as to what they did to me...and it's probably because I keep forgiving them & letting them back in.

I want to see the world through the eyes of Christ and I want to love the world as Christ does and be compassionate...but it is hurting me and because I am not God I dont know how to really deal with it. I feel completely torn by the Christian side of me who wants to continue loving and forgiving & the human side that is mad & hurt & torn & wants to walk away and never look back.

I have realized my issues are far deeper than I ever really admitted or cared to notice. I am scared that if I cant get the proper counseling or advice on how to deal with this I am going to be unhappy & turn in to someone I dont like and become a bad influence on my children. I ask that if you are reading this that you lift me up in prayer daily so that Jesus will be the only voice I hear & the only one I follow.

I have always been a loner because I was taught by my family & friends at an early age that I could never fully depend on them & in the end when I really needed support & love, they wouldnt be there the way I needed them to be. Now as a Christian adult I have some really good friends & family that do support me & love me, and yet I find myself still feeling lonely from time to time. I often wonder if i push people away, if there's something in me that makes people not want to be around me, or if I myself am turning my back on them.??? I honestly dont know the answer. Maybe a little bit of all.

God is really working on me right now & am eagerly seeking Him on the kind of person He wants me to be. This isnt easy...in fact it's downright HARD!!! I feel weak and vulnerable and scared that satan is going to sneak in and pull me away without me noticing.

I am doing an intense Bible Study to help me with some of the issues I have & am seeking full and complete healing so in turn I can help others who have walked a similar path . The worst feeling in the world is to feel alone and believe that I dont really matter in the end. I know Christ is on my side, and if it were me alone that He had to sacrifice Himself for...He still would have done it...He is an AMAZING GOD!

And more than anything else...I dont want to displease Him! I want Him to use me for His glory & when He is done with me, to take me to be with Him! But my path isnt easy and I have to be SURE I stay on it & not try to runaway when things get tough. For I know I am truly blessed & highly favored by God!

Vacation Fun!

For 10 days we were off traveling & visiting Chattanooga, TN; Massanutten Resort, VA; & Washington DC.

Brady leaving his mark on DC...best vacation memory right here!!


Brady's 1st train ride!

Inside a cavern...it was so cool!

Playing in the hands-on section of the science museum

This is how Brad carried Rylan around DC..for the most part!



Pretending to be eaten by a shark :)


@WW2 Memorial


Playing the water-tag maze



Such BEAUTIFUL views in the mountains!!!

Flying down the mountain was a blast

We had an amazing time!

Brtiany's Baccalaureate & Graduation

Our computer screen has been acting out A LOT so that is why I have yet to update the blog! SORRY! :)

Here are some pics from Britany's Baccalaureate service & graduation

Sorry it's been awhile!

I apologize for not updating lately! I have been CRAZY busy since late April...which you may have already read a post about that LOL! We just returned Saturday from a 10 day vacation & now I am teaching VBS...which is WEARING ME OUT!!!!!!! :) Plus I have Rylan's first BDAY party on Saturday! So next week I will be blogging a lot to catch up on all that's been going on!

LOVE YALL!!!!!

PS I need someone to hook my up with a new template that showcases some pics of my family at the top :) not sure where to get the hookup from!

King SIngers Program

Brady started crying when he noticed ALL the people staring @ him :( Though he didn't cry @ his school program??? I think it had been a long day of swimming and playing and he was tired. Makayla ran over to him held his hand tried to get him to smile while Gabriel kept telling him to be brave :) I am so happy Brady already has good Christian friends watching out for him!!

Gabriel had NO problem singing!!! Which I knew he wouldn't...he sings all the time. If anyone reading this doesn't know Gabriel he is my best friend's lil boy who is staying with us for a lil while his parents are in Ukraine adopting the cute lil fellow you see to the right on my blog :)

Gabriel did ALL the motions and had a good ol' time! The only problem were the girls that were standing in front of Gabriel and Brady...they kept covering them up so it was hard to get pics...I think it should be illegal for a lil girl to wear a bow that big LOL just kidding!


Brady started to warm up after a lil while...but instead of singing...

...he started playing peek a boo with me...yes OUT LOUD! :) He'd look at me in the audience and say, "Peek a boo" over and over LOL I loved it!!!
This is Makayla & Brady...she LOVES him to death!!! She is definitely an Alpha-Female and makes sure NO ONE messes with her Brady LOL

Makayla, gabriel & Brady were known as the "3 Musketeers" by their King Singers teachers :)

After the program we came home and the boys decided to play outside and take turns pushing Rylan


It was an AWESOME and HILARIOUS evening!!!

Slip & Slide Fun!

I bought a slip & slide from Walmart the other day...only $5!!!!! The kids enjoyed soooo much and cant wait til it warms up again so they can do it some more!

Rylan had a blast!

Here comes Gabriel!



Brady slid right off & into some mud!

Britany is a big kid!!

Gabriel wasn't so sure about it.


Nothing like a nice warm bubble bath to wash away the mud & grass! :)

A Busy May! Pics included :)

Sorry it has been a while since I have written but it has but one CRAZY, BUSY, HECTIC month!!! I help with a ministry at church that keeps up with all the pregnant ladies in our church and 4 of mine gave birth within 2 weeks! Plus I also teach Sunday School, had all the things for Brady's end of year stuff at preschool, plus his T-ball, my niece is graduating and she made it to State for pole vaulting& we gave her a graduation party, Rylan has had a double ear infection for about 2 months but FINALLY got tubes...and now my friend's boys are staying with us while she is in Ukraine....and this is all on top of my daily duties as wife and mommy!!! Now please dont think I am complaining...I love my life...I just need to take a breath! haha! I havent been this busy in a while but at least all of this busyness is due to happy things and not bad things! :) I choose to see the silver lining! The only dark cloud is my eating :( I had been doing awesome but with all this going on I dropped the ball and gained 4 lbs back :( I was VERY self-loathing and beating myself up, but decided to start being more self-loveing and give myself a break. Below are some pictures from most of the events of May...and to think the month is only half begun LOL :)

These are from Britany's Baccalaurette Service @ Church. Look how pretty she is!


These are of Brady's End of Year Party & School Program...yes I know...he is a doll! :)

The 1st pic is w/Mrs. Donna, Brady's teacher, the 2nd is w/Mrs. Jayna, the director, who Brady greated every morning pretending to be asleep in the car as she tried to get him out & then "scared" her :)


Brad & Brady on the T-ball field


More pics to come tomorrow!